Fiction, News, Columns and Reviews from Rampant Loon Press

Fiction:
“Your Call May Be Recorded For Training Purposes,”
by Simon Kewin

Apr 12, 17 • Fiction, MarqueeNo CommentsRead More »


Thank you for calling CyberSeven Systems. Your call is important to us. Please be aware that it may be recorded for training purposes.

“Yes, hi, I need help. Urgent help. I …”

You now have three options. Either press the numbers on your handset or speak to indicate your preferred option. Press or say “1” if you have a sales enquiry about the CyberSeven product range.

“No, I need to speak to someone. Now. It’s got me trapped in the bathroom.”

Press or say “2” if you have an account or billing enquiry. Press or say “3” if you require technical support.

“Yes, technical support, technical support.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your response. Would you like to hear the options again?

“No! Just help me. The damn thing’s gone mad!”

You now have three options. Either press the numbers on your handset or speak to indicate your preferred option.

“What? No. Three. Three! I need technical support. I really, really need technical support.”

You selected option three. Is that correct? Press 1 or say “yes” for yes. Press 0 or say “no” for no.

“Yes! Yes! Yes! Three! I mean one! Yes!”

Thank you for calling CyberSeven Systems. Welcome to the technical support department. Please have your forty-three digit serial number to hand. You are currently in a queue. Your call is important to us and we will answer it as soon as we are able.

“Come on, come on! It’s breaking down the door!”

Hi, and thanks for holding.

“Oh, thank God. It’s my HomeBot, it’s gone crazy. I told it to make sure the house was spotless and now it’s chasing me around trying to clean me away. It just tried to force me into the Recycling Unit. How do I turn the damn thing off?”

You now have four options. Either press the numbers on your handset or speak to indicate your preferred option. Press or say “1” if you need technical support with an iDrive intelligent automobile.

“But …”

Press or say “2” if you need technical support with a Domestic8 HomeBot Servant.  Press or say “3” if you need technical support with your iGlass Enhanced Reality eyewear. Press or say “4” to hear your options again. You can also press or say “0” at any time to return to this menu.

“No, get back, you stupid machine. I am not dirt, understand? I do not need to be cleaned away. And put that blade back. How come you have rotating blades anyway? Just return to your base and aaargh…”

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your response. Would you like to hear the options again?

I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand your response. Would you like to hear the options again?

I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand your response. Please ascertain the exact nature of your problem and call us back. Thank you for calling CyberSeven systems. Your call is appreciated and is important to us. CyberSeven systems: the future, today.

“No, no, please, don’t go! I’m still here. Help me, please. I think it’s broken my leg. It’s dragging me to the Recycling Unit. How do I turn it off?”

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your response. Would you like to hear the options again?

“No. Ah, two! Two! My HomeBot’s gone mad. How do I turn it off? Please, help me, help me.”

Welcome to the Domestic8 Homebot Servant technical support help line. Domestic8 Homebot Servants by CyberSeven Systems. We do all the dirty work so you don’t have to. You now have seventeen options to choose from. Press or say “1” to…

“No, aagh, my arm. My God it’s…”

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your response. Would you like to hear the options again?

I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand your response. Would you like to hear the options again?

I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand your response. Please ascertain the exact nature of your problem and call us back. Thank you for calling CyberSeven systems. Your call is important to us. CyberSeven systems: the future, today.

 

SIMON KEWIN writes fantasy, SF, mainstream and some stories that can’t make their minds up. He has had over 250 stories and poems published. He lives in England with Alison and their daughters Eleanor and Rose. His cyberpunk novel The Genehunter and his fantasy novels Engn and Hedge Witch were recently published. Find him at simonkewin.co.uk.

Editor’s Note: Simon has been one of our regular contributors since the early days, giving us terrific stories such as “Viral,” “Panopticon,” and one of my personal favorites, “The Cat’s Tale,” in SHOWCASE #3. Watch for his fantastic steampunk adventure, “A Ring, A Ring o’ Roses,” coming very soon to Stupefying Stories.

 

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