{"id":77,"date":"2014-05-15T08:59:34","date_gmt":"2014-05-15T13:59:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/?p=77"},"modified":"2017-10-12T19:19:32","modified_gmt":"2017-10-13T00:19:32","slug":"fiction-elves-are-douchebags-by-robert-lowell-russell","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/?p=77","title":{"rendered":"Fiction: “Elves Are Douchebags” by Robert Lowell Russell"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"elves\"<\/a>F<\/span>loriel\u2019s eyes were gold, her hair silver, and her features so fine, Jack thought they should be chiseled in marble: paint and canvas would be too temporary. Her smile made him ache. Braless, she wore a bright pink t-shirt several sizes too small that proclaimed her the World\u2019s Greatest Grandmother.<\/p>\n

Loriel\u2019s beauty mirrored his sister\u2019s. He wore an Armani jacket with the sleeves ripped off and was bare-chested. Muscles rippled across his pale flesh.<\/p>\n

I could totally go gay for him<\/i>, thought Jack. \u201cOur appointment was for ten,\u201d he said aloud, tapping his watch. \u201cIt\u2019s noon.\u201d<\/p>\n

Loriel smiled. \u201cYour temporal distinctions are so quaint. A thousand apologies, my mortal friend, but my honor has been challenged.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll you can eat pancakes at IHOP,\u201d explained Floriel.<\/p>\n

Jack sighed. Why are elves such douchebags?<\/i><\/p>\n

A year ago, a message carved into a Kentucky cornfield had heralded the return of elves to Earth. The flowing, scripted words were later translated to read, \u201cAre they gone? Is it safe?\u201d Elven warriors had charged from the dimensional rift and slaughtered a dozen cows they\u2019d mistaken for orcs before greeting the farm\u2019s octogenarian owners. Elves now lived on every continent.<\/p>\n

Jack smoothed his comb-over. Real estate. It\u2019s all about the commission.<\/i> He grinned. \u201cWell folks, your castle awaits.\u201d<\/p>\n

He guided the elves through the exclusive, waterfront property. Venetian plaster, Persian rugs, white leather d\u00e9cor. Its interior had been featured in Architectural Digest. \u201cIt\u2019s a six-bed, seven-bath, custom-built estate, just shy of ten thousand square feet, on an acre of land.\u201d<\/p>\n

Floriel clucked her tongue. \u201cNo moat.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut there is a dock and a boat lift,\u201d said Jack.<\/p>\n

\u201cEntry points?\u201d asked Loriel.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust the one gate, as you requested, manned at all times,\u201d said Jack.<\/p>\n

Loriel snorted. \u201cManned? Trolled mayhap, if you\u2019re referring to that creature at the gatehouse with the sandwich.\u201d<\/p>\n

Floriel laughed, a twittering sound, like bird song.<\/p>\n

Jack clenched his hands as they entered the kitchen. It gleamed with stainless steel, polished marble, and African mahogany. \u201cThere\u2019s a four-car garage, elevator, Jacuzzi, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAn infinity pool!\u201d finished Floriel.<\/p>\n

In a blink, she\u2019d stripped nude. Another blink and she\u2019d flung the back door wide. With a stride, a leap, and a splash, Floriel glided over the crystal water. Jack followed outside.<\/p>\n

Floriel twined her lithe body through the water. Jack gulped. Stopping beside him, Loriel slapped his shoulder, a numbing blow that rocked Jack in place.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou would like to lie with my sister, would you not?\u201d asked Loriel. \u201cShe desires you, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUmm…\u201d<\/p>\n

Giggling, Floriel erupted from the pool in a wet spray. Water trickled from her breasts. Sweat beaded on Jack\u2019s brow. She swished forward and put her fingers on his neck, a touch as light as a butterfly\u2019s kiss. \u201cI think of you often,\u201d she whispered in his ear. She pressed her lips to his, and he shivered.<\/p>\n

Loriel\u2019s face went from white, to pink, to purple. Then he shrieked with laughter.<\/p>\n

Floriel broke the kiss, spat loudly, and wiped her lips.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo droll, brother,\u201d she said. \u201cWasn\u2019t that a clever jape, Jack?\u201d She winked. \u201cWould you humans rut with monkeys just because their faces bear yours some resemblance?\u201d<\/p>\n

Jack took a breath and unclenched his fists. The commission.<\/i> \u201cHilarious.\u201d He swept his arm. \u201cThis place is an absolute steal at ten point five million. And I think I can talk the owners down to an even ten if you can pay cash.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGold?\u201d asked Loriel.<\/p>\n

\u201cUmm… No, \u2018fraid not,\u201d Jack said. \u201cWhat with the price per ounce fluctuations and all.\u201d And the curse: boils, blisters, screams. Hundreds had died handling Elvish gold, the result of a misunderstanding with a wizard, the Elves had explained.<\/p>\n

Loriel shrugged. \u201cNo matter, we\u2019ve retained the services of a personal banker. Jimmy Pointy Fish.\u201d<\/p>\n

Floriel shook her head. \u201cBarracuda.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jack\u2019s jaw dropped. \u201cThe loan shark?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Loriel rolled his eyes. \u201cSister, he does not understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Floriel clamped her fingers on Jack\u2019s face and said, \u201cBAR-RA-CU-DA!\u201d moving his lips with each syllable.<\/p>\n

\u201cA delightful man,\u201d continued Loriel. \u201cAnd quite smitten with me, I\u2019m afraid.\u201d He wiggled his fingers. \u201cHe especially loved my thumbs; said he could bite them right off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSilly man, why would we mind his high interest in our loan?\u201d asked Floriel.<\/p>\n

\u201cI take it you\u2019ve had some past financial…difficulties?\u201d asked Jack.<\/p>\n

Loriel waved his hand, dismissively. \u201cAn old argument with the Dwarves, resolved completely without bloodshed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Floriel grinned. \u201cWe banished them to the pain realm, Ragnathorian.\u201d<\/p>\n

Loriel blurred forward and leaped thirty yards to the boat dock. He dropped his pants and started to urinate in the bay. A family on a yacht happened to be sailing by, and he waved to them, his stream bending with each shake of his arm. He called over his shoulder, \u201cWe love this place, Jackoff! I think we\u2019re prepared to make an offer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just Jack<\/i>.\u201d A vein in his head throbbed. The commission<\/i>.<\/p>\n

CRACK!<\/p>\n

Jack whirled. A palm tree crashed to the tiled deck. Floriel, still nude, ripped a coconut from its branches and smashed it open with her fist, then dug out the white flesh with her fingers.<\/p>\n

Jack ground his teeth. \u201cThat\u2019s great to hear, Loriel. I\u2019ll get the paperwork started…\u201d<\/p>\n

He sighed. Screw it.<\/i> \u201cAnd have the owners spray for dragons, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n

Loriel spun, his urine spattering the wooden dock. \u201cDragons?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cBut they\u2019re all dead,\u201d said Floriel. \u201cThey were chained to the rocks of Atlantis with all their young when we sank\u2014when the island sank all by itself, into the sea.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jack shrugged. \u201cYou know dragons, they\u2019re like cockroaches.\u201d<\/p>\n

Loriel looked crestfallen. \u201cMayhaps another domicile…\u201d<\/p>\n

Jack snapped his fingers. \u201cHey! I know the perfect<\/i> house for you two. It\u2019s not even publicly listed.\u201d He smiled. \u201cAnd it\u2019s completely dragon-free, guaranteed. It\u2019s on Sunrise Island.\u201d<\/p>\n

Floriel clapped her hands. \u201cOur friend Jimmy lives there!\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s that weasel Enrique\u2019s listing<\/i>, thought Jack. He\u2019ll shaft me on the commission for sure.<\/i><\/p>\n

Jack grinned. \u201cLet\u2019s take a look!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"RobertLowellRussell\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\"storyend_dingbat\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Robert Lowell Russell<\/b>, a native Texan, lives with his family in southeastern Ohio. A former librarian and current nursing student, he once aspired to be a history professor, but found writing about the real world too constraining. Bob likes to write about all sort of things, but frequently includes action and humor in his work. Not satisfied with writing stories of questionable content for adults, he\u2019s also started work on a series of middle-grade books incorporating his love of not-so-super heroes and toilet humor. For links to more of Rob\u2019s stories\u2014or to see him dressed like a ninja\u2014visit robertlowellrussell.blogspot.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Floriel\u2019s eyes were gold, her hair silver, and her features so fine, Jack thought they should be chiseled in marble: paint and canvas would be too temporary. Her smile made him ache. Braless, she wore a bright pink t-shirt several sizes too small that proclaimed her the World\u2019s Greatest Grandmother<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":101,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=77"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1568,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77\/revisions\/1568"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/101"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=77"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=77"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=77"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}