{"id":106,"date":"2014-10-31T19:00:12","date_gmt":"2014-11-01T00:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/?p=106"},"modified":"2017-03-11T10:20:59","modified_gmt":"2017-03-11T16:20:59","slug":"fiction-this-cat-must-die-by-jason-lairamore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/?p=106","title":{"rendered":"Fiction: “This Cat Must Die!” by Jason Lairamore"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"thiscat\"<\/a>T<\/span>he heavy ceramic angel<\/strong> sitting high on the shelf above the sliding glass door was perfect for what Sham, the ethereal, had in mind. That fat, orange cat had to die. Its death was the only way he could become a real ghost.<\/p>\n

Late morning sun shining through the glass door warmed the tiled floor. That cursed cat, Cadmus, loved nothing more than to lay there to sleep.<\/p>\n

Sham positioned the angel in just the right spot. At this distance from the floor, the force of the falling figurine should kill the cat easily. Then Cadmus could sleep forever.<\/p>\n

Bwaahaahaahaa!<\/em><\/p>\n

With that cat out of the way, Sham could get about doing what he was here to do\u2014scare people. That\u2019s all he needed, just one little scare. That shouldn\u2019t be too hard. Maybe it wouldn\u2019t be \u2026 this time.<\/p>\n

He kept as silent and still as the statue as Cadmus pranced up to the inviting warm spot. It curled into a nice, little ball, making a perfect, circular target. Sham, in a single, fluid motion, toppled the angel from its precarious perch. He watched as the robed, winged angel fell, head over sandaled feet, directly toward his intended target. It was going to work! The figurine was falling in a path that would land it right in the center of Cadmus\u2019s extended head and neck.<\/p>\n

CRASH!<\/em> The sound of the angel shattering broke the near-absolute quiet of the room.<\/p>\n

It had missed! How in all that was incorporeal had it missed?<\/p>\n

But he didn\u2019t have time to ponder. Cadmus was up and coming for him. That heavy-bodied feline had already jumped from the tiled floor to the nearby tabletop. And it jumped again as soon as its feet were set.<\/p>\n

Cadmus sailed toward him. Its teeth were out and its four claws were extended in his direction. All Sham could do was stare as true death came ever closer. He was about to be erased forever from the corporeal world. Cadmus\u2019s green eyes glinted fiercely, pinning Sham to his spot atop the high shelving as good as any witch\u2019s spell might have.<\/p>\n

Its forelegs shot out. The claws extended to their fullest. Sham smelt the animal stink waft ahead of the approaching beast. He felt the wind push at him as the claws pierced the air just in front of where he floated.<\/p>\n

Then the claws fell and imbedded into the shelving. They raked gouges into the cheap, compressed wood as Cadmus\u2019s weight settled.<\/p>\n

The cat\u2019s body swung, fully extended, below the edge of the creaking plank.<\/p>\n

\u201cMEOW\u2014MEOW<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Cadmus was momentarily trapped.<\/p>\n

\u201cCadmus how could you?\u201d wailed Jennifer. She was the female one of the two living in the house. \u201cMark! Come quick! Your cat just broke the antique my great aunt left us in her will.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo that makes him my<\/em> cat now?\u201d Mark yelled from the other room. \u201cWhat happened to Cadmus being our<\/em> cat?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sham didn\u2019t bother to stay and find out who really owned the dreaded cat. He took his chance and fled for his afterlife.<\/p>\n

He heard the washing machine running and thanked the kelpies above for the reprieve. He floated into the laundry room and settled himself in the corner where the wall met the roof. Cadmus wouldn\u2019t come in there. The cat was scared to near hysteria when it came to washing machines.<\/p>\n

As his aura settled to a less frizzy, wave-like ambience he thought of his next move. Time was running out. He had to get rid of that cat before the sun set. Ghosts couldn\u2019t live where a cat lived. That was one of the rules. And with his testing in just a few hours, he\u2019d be disqualified if the ghost judges found out there was a housecat living here. He couldn\u2019t be disqualified, not again. This was his last chance. He had run out of appeals. He had to pass his final ghost test tonight.<\/p>\n

He had it!<\/p>\n

He floated from the laundry room and into the den. Mark and Jennifer were watching television. He saw no sign of Cadmus. Perhaps the cat was back to sleeping in the sun. Or, maybe it had gotten in trouble enough that it was lying low under one of the beds.<\/p>\n

He made his slow way to the kitchen. On the stove was a large cast iron skillet, and in that skillet was bacon grease. Cadmus had been going crazy over that bacon this morning. That grease would make the perfect bait.<\/p>\n

After careful inspection to ensure that Cadmus wasn\u2019t hiding somewhere nearby, he descended down to the stovetop. The grease in the pan had hardened to a nasty, gritty white. The dirty spoons were in the sink. He grabbed the smallest metal one and skimmed low over the countertop, back to the pan on the stove. He got a good dollop of his bait and left the kitchen, skirted the den, and entered the hallway.<\/p>\n

The room at the end of hall was the place where the male one, Mark, painted. He had a drafting table and a few canvases set up. Sham stuck the end of the spoon in an open electric plug. A slight buzz told him he had made good contact. The gray grease in the spoon started to melt. He floated to the nearest canvas and hid behind it to wait.<\/p>\n

The cat came trotting into the room as if on cue. Sham could not have asked for better timing. This was going to work!<\/p>\n

Cadmus darted to the spoon like a younger, skinnier, version of itself. When it got near to the spoon it slowed. For an instant Sham thought that Cadmus had caught on to the trap, but no, it was just doing was all cats do. It sniffed around the edges before fully committing to the treat.<\/p>\n

One of Cadmus\u2019s whiskers got too close. An arc of blue fire shot from the spoon to the cat\u2019s nose. A shriek echoed off the walls as Cadmus leaped away. The spoon was dislodged from the socket. All of Sham\u2019s collected grease dribbled into the carpet. He looked to Cadmus, hoping the leap had been nothing but a final death throe, but such wasn\u2019t the case. Cadmus crouched, its feet tucked neatly under it. It tongue licked at the smoldering end of a burnt whisker. The cat\u2019s eyes were a glaring green intensity directed right at him.<\/p>\n

AAAAHHHHHHH!<\/em><\/p>\n

He screamed and floated away as Cadmus leaped to the canvas he was hiding behind. The cat shredded the canvas with one good tug of it claws. It leaped again, to the next canvas, ripping it too as it tried to get to Sham.<\/p>\n

For his part, Sham floated faster than he thought possible. But, he knew it was no use. The cat, by instinct or plain dumb happenstance, had positioned itself to effectively block the door, Sham\u2019s only way out.<\/p>\n

Cadmus hopped to the drafting table and crouch-walked up to its highest point. Sham took refuge in the far, upper corner of the room, but it was no good. Cadmus could make the jump. Those claws would rip his ethereal tissue to shreds.<\/p>\n

Cadmus seemed to know it had won as well. It took its time. It crouched low in preparation to spring. Its eyes were wide, its pupils dilated.<\/p>\n

Mark came barging in. He took one look at the situation and grabbed Cadmus by the scruff. With a single heave, he tossed the heavy-bodied cat to the hall.<\/p>\n

\u201cJennifer, get your cat!\u201d Mark called as he eyed the damage Cadmus had made. \u201cHe has ruined every one of my projects back here! What has gotten into that cat today?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe he needs more attention,\u201d Jennifer called back.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd why does it smell like bacon in here?\u201d Mark added.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sham slipped past the furious Mark and sought refuge in a less hostile environment. He needed time to think, and to once again calm down. For the second time in one day, he had almost died true.<\/p>\n

He ventured in a shocked haze to the master bedroom. He usually didn\u2019t spend much time in there. The live ones slept there. And since he was forbidden to scare the living unless properly supervised, or until he passed his sanctioned ghost testing, he tried to stay away from the temptation.<\/p>\n

But there was a vaulted ceiling in there, and it was high enough for his fear of Cadmus to go away.<\/p>\n

He floated a circle around the shaft of the ceiling fan while he fretted over his dilemma. For the umpteenth time, he cursed selecting this house as the site for his testing. But what was he supposed to do? He had been left with little choice. This house was one of the new ones. The other incorporeal beings hadn\u2019t scoped it out yet. So, naturally, he had jumped on it, had registered it and everything, just to keep the others away. How was he to know that the living beings owned a housecat? He had not had the time to check it out properly. No spirit had.<\/p>\n

It had been the last house available that met the specs for his testing, though. And there was no telling how long it would be before another came up. However long was too long. He was tired of failing over and over again. He was going to pass the test tonight. It was such a simple test. All the ghosts said so. All he had to do was scare somebody.<\/p>\n

If only he could get that cat out of the house.<\/p>\n

Outside cats were okay. Maybe he\u2019d been going about this all wrong. He didn\u2019t necessarily have to kill the cat. It just couldn\u2019t be there during the short amount of time it took for him to pass his test.<\/p>\n

He waited till the 6\u2019oclock news came on before slipping from the master bedroom and into the hall. The sun was starting to set. It was now or never. He had one shot at this.<\/p>\n

\u201cSee Mark,\u201d Jennifer said from the den. \u201cAll Cadmus needed was a little cuddle time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sham froze at the end of the hall.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, looks like,\u201d Mark said.<\/p>\n

\u201cCadmus has already taught us so much about caring for a little one,\u201d Jennifer added. \u201cYou\u2019re going to be a good dad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot as good as you\u2019re going to be a mom.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sham couldn\u2019t wait any longer. The sun had already turned from yellow to orange in its descent.<\/p>\n

He eased around the corner and looked down onto the den.<\/p>\n

The two living sat on the couch. They had their faces smashed together. Cadmus, sitting between them, had its head turned up. Its piercing green eyes had already found Sham.<\/p>\n

BOO?<\/em> Sham\u2019s voice was more a whimper than anything remotely scary.<\/p>\n

\u201cMEOWRR,\u201d<\/em> Cadmus growled deep in its throat. Sham started his shaky way across the ceiling.<\/p>\n

Cadmus jumped to Mark\u2019s lap and then vaulted up toward Sham.<\/p>\n

\u201cHEY!\u201d Mark yelled. \u201cEasy with the claws, Cadmus!\u201d<\/p>\n

The cat didn\u2019t come anywhere near high enough to threaten Sham, but still Sham shrank away. With a glance to the ever-setting sun, he forced himself to stay in the room. This wouldn\u2019t work unless the two living saw it.<\/p>\n

BOOOOO\u2026<\/em> He taunted the cat as loudly as he could manage while he slid back and forth along the ceiling.<\/p>\n

\u201cMEOWRR, FITT FITT,\u201d<\/em> Cadmus growled. It jumped over and over up toward him, never coming close, but always coming near enough to almost scare the shade out of him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with Cadmus?\u201d Jennifer asked. Mark didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n

BOOOOO\u2026 <\/em>Sham kept at it. The sun was nearly down. He got more brazen in his attempts; reckless, even. He hovered above the television. Cadmus jumped up atop the entertainment center and launched itself at him. Sham floated toward the couch. He wanted Cadmus to hit the live ones.<\/p>\n

But he had underestimated the cat\u2019s speed. Cadmus was coming. The height of the entertainment center had given it all the added altitude it needed to reach him. Cadmus was going to hit him and there was nothing he could do about it.<\/p>\n

His attention was so fixed on his advancing death that he had not noticed that Mark had stood from the couch. He bounced from the living one\u2019s outstretched hand.<\/p>\n

Mark caught Cadmus in mid-air right in from of Sham\u2019s ethereal face.<\/p>\n

\u201cMIERRR,\u201d<\/em> Cadmus growled as it twisted in Mark\u2019s grip. Sham dropped down and floated away as the angry feline tried in vain to reach him.<\/p>\n

Mark opened the door to the outside and tossed Cadmus into the yard.<\/p>\n

Yes! It had worked!<\/p>\n

\u201cMark?\u201d Jennifer asked. \u201cYou threw Cadmus outside. How are we going to be good parents if you throw Cadmus outside when he\u2019s having a tantrum? We can\u2019t throw our baby outside if its crying, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mark grabbed Jennifer by the hand and brought her to her feet. \u201cBabies have tantrums\u2014cats don\u2019t, not at nothing, anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is something else here.\u201d<\/p>\n

She looked around, her eyes passing right through Sham. Of course she couldn\u2019t see him. Only real ghosts and the higher-ups had the power to make themselves visible.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome with me,\u201d Mark said. He led her from the room and into the hall. Sham went to follow, when three ghosts slipped through the wall and into the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cHonored sirs,\u201d he said at once. He had been through this so many times that he knew the drill by rote.<\/p>\n

\u201cEthereal Sham, we have arrived at the appointed time and in the proper frame to witness your final appeal for acceptance into the Guild of Ghosts.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sham couldn\u2019t tell which of the three had spoken. They had each arrived as floating white orbs, the official frame for testing.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you for the chance,\u201d Sham said with a bow. \u201cI\u2019ll not let you down.\u201d<\/p>\n

He had added the sentiment on purpose. It was unneeded and probably not worth the specter air he\u2019d spent to say it, but this was his last chance. He might as well say what he wished.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is a waste of time,\u201d one said, \u201cjust like the other times.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sham fought hard to keep his aura in check.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy does it smell of cat in here?\u201d another asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cAn outside cat is all,\u201d Sham said, pointing to the window. Cadmus was on the outside window ledge MEOWING<\/em> its fool head off.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are lucky to have found a suitable house at all,\u201d a ghost said. \u201cDomestic cat breeding has really gotten out of hand in today\u2019s age.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA review of the rules then,\u201d one ghost said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs if he needs reminding,\u201d another said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe has attempted this trial more times than any spirit in the realm\u2014and still, nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen will he learn that some spirits aren\u2019t made to scare?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me,\u201d Sham interrupted. He hated how they talked about him as if weren\u2019t there. \u201cYou mentioned the regulation rules\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, quickly then. We will grant you the power to reveal yourself, but you may do so for only a fraction of time and only in the peripheral of a living one\u2019s vision. Do you remember the list of acceptable noises and motions?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am well aware,\u201d Sham said flatly. Mark and Jennifer would be back any time. He would show them what he could do. He\u2019d pass this test in a flash.<\/p>\n

\u201cNormal sounds are fine\u2014knocks, thuds, creaks. Some laughter and whispers and the like are acceptable within a very fine range.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know the limits of the test,\u201d Sham said. \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

He could hear Mark and Jennifer returning as they walked the hall back toward the kitchen and den. As soon as they entered, he went into action. He used the powers granted him by the council for just this purpose. The powers were a parody of what real Ghosts could do, but still; even just those small added abilities let Sham know that all the humiliation he had taken over the years was worth it.<\/p>\n

He placed horrific visions at the corner of their vision. He caused a few of the cabinet doors to creak. He cackled a bit in their ears. He needed their attention so that he might truly frighten them. He blew a little cold, dead air in their faces then turned the television off and back on. None of it worked. They walked on, straight to the kitchen table.<\/p>\n

He pulled out his ace. Jennifer and Mark had been talking about having a baby since the first time he\u2019d seen them. He gave them the sound of a distant thump and followed that with a baby\u2019s cry. Surely, that would get Jennifer\u2019s attention.<\/p>\n

But no, they both had their attention focused on the items in their hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure about this Mark?\u201d Jennifer asked. \u201cI heard that stuff was real. You could bring a demon over to this side.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou bet it\u2019s real,\u201d Mark answered.<\/p>\n

\u201cI say,\u201d one of the ghosts popped up, breaking protocol. The ghost judges were supposed to remain silence during testing. \u201cIs that what I think it is?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy great grandfather gave this to me,\u201d Mark said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat is<\/em> what you think it is,\u201d another of the ghosts added. \u201cA Ouija board is being prepared.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut why must I use my candle holders?\u201d Jennifer asked in a whine. \u201cThey were my mother\u2019s favorite. \u2018Glass from the old country\u2019 she says.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey are old,\u201d Mark said. \u201cOld is important. And you care about them. That will make this work better.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sham had stopped trying to spook them. He stared in horror as his last and only chance at Ghosthood went up in specter smoke.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy are they attempting a connection now?\u201d one of the orbs asked suspiciously.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat have you done?\u201d another cried.<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly a true ghost can resist the Ouija call.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jennifer lit the candles while Mark killed the lights.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will betray our presence, Sham,\u201d a ghost wailed. \u201cDo you know the damage you might cause?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe will have to consult with the Witches to get this fixed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe hate dealing with the Witches, half in\u2014half out \u2026 and their blasted, black cats, never knowing if they are going to kill you true.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sham could feel the pull of the board even as they spoke. When Jennifer and Mark put their fingers to the pointer he floated in that direction.<\/p>\n

\u201cBlast you, Sham,\u201d one of the ghosts cursed. \u201cI will see you staked to the light for this, mark my words!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSpirit,\u201d Mark said. He was talking directly to Sham. The feeling was surreal.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome to us and speak,\u201d Mark continued. Sham came closer as bidden. He could not stop himself.<\/p>\n

The orbs still floated, watching. They were bound to stay for the time of his testing.<\/p>\n

Though compelled to obey, Sham did turn his eyes enough to catch their glowing presence. Was this how his dreams were to end, him making a complete fool out of himself, being used by a couple of live beings?<\/p>\n

No. He would not go out like this. He struggled as he floated ever closer to the pair of living hands that lightly touched the Ouija pointer.<\/p>\n

He passed close to one of the candles. Using every bit of power he had, he pushed the candle until it began to topple.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy candle!\u201d Jennifer screamed. She tore her hand from the pointer and grabbed for the heirloom.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy board!\u201d Mark\u2019s excitement echoed Jennifer\u2019s own. He jerked the board away from the descending fire.<\/p>\n

Sham continued toward the table, carried as he was by the original force of the Ouija board. When he reached the tabletop he experienced a most odd sensation. The table felt pliable. It felt soft. Before he knew it, he was passing through it. The taste of cleaning oil and wood pressed tight against him.<\/p>\n

How had he done that? Only the true Ghosts or higher ups could pass through the physical.<\/p>\n

He turned his attention to the three orbs floating nearby.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe living beings were frightened. You passed the trial,\u201d one said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey were fearful for the safety of their possessions,\u201d another said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are one lucky spook.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sham rose to once again float through the table. Mark and Jennifer were re-setting the board, but he no longer felt the pull he had moments ago.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d won! He had passed the final test!<\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome to the Ghosthood,\u201d a ghost said.<\/p>\n

He glanced around the darkened room and tried to memorize the moment. This was where his dream had come true. He was finally a member of the Ghosthood.<\/p>\n

Outside, on the ledge of the window, Cadmus continued to meow. It eyed Sham with a green-eyed focus that only a cat could achieve. Sham, though he shivered at the intensity directed his way, smiled. He had won.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

\"JasonLairamore\"<\/a>JASON LAIRAMORE<\/strong> is a writer of science fiction, fantasy, and horror who lives in Oklahoma with his beautiful wife and their three monstrously marvelous children. He is a published finalist of the 2012 SQ Mag annual contest and the winner of the 2013 Planetary Stories flash fiction contest. His work is both featured and forthcoming in over 30 publications to include Perihelion Science Fiction<\/em>, Stupefying Stories<\/em>, Third Flatiron<\/em> publications, and Postscripts to Darkness<\/em>, to name a few.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The heavy ceramic angel sitting high on the shelf above the sliding glass door was perfect for what Sham, the ethereal, had in mind. That fat, orange cat had to die. Its death was the only way he could become a real ghost<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":107,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3,10],"tags":[7,4,6],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=106"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":224,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106\/revisions\/224"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/107"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=106"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=106"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stupefyingstoriesshowcase.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=106"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}